Who said it?

'this blue eyeliner has made me Way Too Approachable'

Person A: I bought you an umbrella. But if you don't like it I'm sure I can give it to someone else.
Person B: thank you! What kind of umbrella is it? How much was it?
Person A: a cursed umbrella.
Who is Person A?

[shaking a baby-sized bottle of turmeric pressed juice] oh vampires!!!! Come get your juice!!!!

Person A: do you feel attacked
Person A: you should
Person A: I'm attacking you

[to Dr. Nadel*] We Love Deception!!!

*if you are unfamiliar, please see his wikipedia page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ira_Nadel

Person A: I keep seeing the cat person thing online and I'm afraid to open it
Person B: please. Please come into the suffering dome with me.
Person A: what did I just read
Person A: I really thought this was going to be about a cat person hybrid creature

'i hate when my friend is replaced by a Bad Take Generator'

'Can you take that rat out of your both when you talk to me?'

'Where are my racist earrings???'

Person A: I can't believe you still haven't see the last episode of Downton Abbey.
Person B: Nope. I never have and I never will.
Person A: What if I force you. What if you come home and it's playing.
Person B: We don't have a TV.
Person A: On my laptop, then.
Person B: Can't believe I'm throwing your laptop into the ocean.

Person A: Where's the couch?
Person B: It's a Couch Of The Imagination.

Person A: Have a garlic. Have three whole garlics.
Person B: I cannot. I have Mouth Vampires.

Ms. Perry, our Grade 11 English teacher who owned a horse, once likened us to the main characters of Robertson Davies' acclaimed novel, Fifth Business. Which one of us was Percy Boyd Staunton (the entitled but successful and popular businessman) and which one of us was Dunstable Ramsay (the saint-hunter and school teacher with a bad leg)?

'I love my mother, who is also Gina Linetti.'

Which one of us would 'never get a tattoo'?

'When will Mallory Ortberg notice us???'