Dante's Guided Tours of Hell: Final Practical Exam

Are you ready?

Thank you for your application to be a tour guide for Dante's Guided Tours of Hell! My name is Vergil, and I'll be your examiner for our final practical exam. Before we disembark from our ferry down Acheron, just some preliminary questions. Who is our founder, Dante Alighieri?

Okay! And what brought Dante down here to our scenic Hell?

We're approaching the shore! Before we get started, do you remember how Hell is divided up?

There is a huge map in front of you, emblazoned with our motto "Abandon all hope, ye who enter here!" A neon arrow says "You Are Here!" Where is here?

Down here in Limbo, we have the pleasure of welcoming the likes of myself, Homer, Aristotle and Galen, the virtuous pagans and also:

We're almost through our tour through Limbo, but we have to stop to greet the Judge of the Damned! Who holds this esteemed office?

Speaking of judging the Damned, how do we absolve our sins?

What's that noise? We're going down to our next stop. Sounds like we're in for a real treat! Where are we going?

Here is one of our favorite couples down here, Francesca da Polenta and Paolo Malatesta, buffeted by the moaning storm. What brought them to live down here in the Second Circle?

And how can we forget the Lady of the House, so to speak? Cleopatra! She's here with her boo:

Almost ready to continue our descent! Oh, slipped my mind, we here at Dante's Guided Tours of Hell want to make sure all of our guides have some knowledge about the birds and the bees. Where do babies come from?

Come on now! The refreshing lusty breeze leads us down, where, *blech* ugh, what's that smell? We must have entered:

Woah there, big guy! Careful, newbie, he likes to lick new visitors! Who is the guardian of Gluttony?

Gluttony is home to some unique weather. Some of our tourists are real weather-heads, you know. What is the rain here?

Here, put on these sunglasses, you'll need them for our next stop! What is the Fourth Circle?

Here in Greed, we are proud to have one of the titans of our industry watching over the Circle. He's the god of wealth:

About now is the time where we hand out complementary dramamine to our guests. Before we leave Greed we must take a ride on the:

You can take off your sunglasses now! Our next stop is a fan favorite, the marvelous marshes of the river Styx, also known as the Fifth Circle:

This Circle is about the halfway point! If you look into the marsh you can see the wrathful fighting, but take a peek at the sullen ones below the water! Don't worry if your feet are tired! Great time for it because we have our resident Stygian ferryman to bring us deeper into Hell. What's his name?

Thanks for the ride! The Sixth Circle is a turning point for our journey! If you thought the first five Circles were tame, you better buckle up! Welcome to the Circle Number Six:

The residents here have created quite a little city here. Do you know what the city is called?

The Sixth Circle is a home to:

Dis is home to only the coziest of amenities. Residents live in:

Out of the frying pan and into the fire, so they say! Let's depart from Dis and begin our descent into a personal favorite of mine. The Seventh Circle:

Careful! When you are giving tours on your own, you'll have to make sure everyone keeps their hands inside the cart at all times, so to speak. Here, war-mongers and plunderers boil in this bloody river, proportionate to how much blood they spilled in life. Oh, there's Attila! Look, there's Alexander the Great, boiling up to his eyeballs! What is the name of this river of boiling blood?

We'll get some shade as we go in here. Some of our tourists find this place really disturbing, so we give a trigger warning and offer some earmuffs to muffle the screams. Welcome to

Last stop in violence! Those sunglasses might come in handy again. Here we find those who committed violence against God and nature. What does this landscape look like?

Penultimate Stop! More and more come to this next Circle every day! We've got Panderers and Seducers, Fortune Tellers, Politicians, Hypocrites, Thieves, you name it! Welcome to Circle New-Mer-Oh Ocho:

Every different type of resident has a different home, but here we have a name for the Circle of Fraud as a whole:

Now we'll see if you're the real expert! Last stop, put on your parka! Welcome to the Ninth Circle:

As you can see, the treacherous are frozen inside this lake. What is this lake called?

Here we are at the end of our tour! Hell's head honcho, Satan lives in the center of the lake. You might not know this, but Satan most of the time has three heads, as special punishment for notable traitors: What's inside the three mouths?