What's Your Horse-o-scope

At a house party you're ...

showing someone how to shotgun a beer

hanging out with the hosts cat

snorting coke in the bathroom

the cat

regaling the crowd with a funny story

breaking the toilet and sneaking away before anyone notices

the one who brought the coke

fixing the toilet

You're going camping with your friend group, what did you bring?

Warped farmers almanac from 1968, there are handwritten notes in all the margins. You thought it might be useful.

The tent, extra sleeping bags, and enough food for everyone

A Pack of hot dogs, and a bag of marshmallows - you trust someone else to bring the rest

Enough wood to get you all through a harsh winter, but nothing to start a fire with

You didn't bring anything, but you keep basic survival supplies in your car - you'll GET this fire started

a REALLY good bluetooth speaker, a battery pack for your phone, and a small generator JUST IN CASE

SUUUUPER cute little smores kit that doesn't include any smores ingredients

bag of gas station snacks and your gun

It's your turn to feed your DND group, what do you make?

order pizza. ?

pick up the REALLY GOOD pizza you almost NEVER splurge on.

something easy but also customizable so everyone can get what they like - tacos, sandwich bar, etc

FUCK - you forgot. SHIT, you forgot last time too. You still have 4 hours until it starts. You panic spiral until 20 minutes before, and everyone is still talking about the breakfast cereal bar you put together. whew.

A one pot hit, like stew or soup, maybe a loaf of good crusty bread to go with.

FUCK. YOU FORGOT. goddamnit. Well ... what do you have? You've been dying to make that pasta dish you saw in Bon Appetite, and you've got the stuff! You spend 3 hours putting it together before you realize half of the group can't or won't eat anchovies. You manage to throw together a big filling salad, some roasted veggies, AND garlic bread so no one will feel left out or hungry.

Uhhh no it isn't? My turn isn't for another week?? Really? Heck. Y'all wanna do pizza or Chinese? I'll treat some apps or cheesesticks!

You run through the deli/produce area and buy EVERY kind of tray. You ALWAYS want to buy ALL of these and you're fucking pumped UP to have an excuse. Turkey pinwheels here YOU COME!!

Oh no! A tire blew out on the way home from a concert with your friends - what are you gonna do?

Call AAA - this isn't your first day.

You tell everyone to "give you a fucking second, Jesus Ch-" as you pull over and stalk out of the car. You grab your spare and grumble during the 15 minutes it takes you to change the tire in the dark. You let your friend silently hold their phones flashlight over you while you work.

You have no idea what to do but you really want to be useful. You hold your phones flashlight up while your friend changes the tire.

You just saw something about this! You search your Instagram history until you find the reel of Ru Paul teaching you how to change a tire - you watch it a few times and start scrolling. The car is moving again when you look up.

Did it? A noise? Hmm ... I think it's fine. We'll check it out when we get back.

Do you have a spare? Do those like ... come with the car or?? You and your friends dig in the trunk - you end up finding some little cones and accidentally set off a flare while trying to demonstrate how it works. But someone pulls over and helps you change the tire!

Remember enough about how to change a tire, that between you and a couple of your friends you manage it. You all feel pretty good about yourselves after.

How hard can changing a tire be? You do a quick google search and you're feeling pretty confident! Until you get to the trunk and remember that the spare is already on your car ...

You're late to a really important meeting - what's your excuse?

You had to help a bunch of idiots change the tire on their car - they set off a flare and you were worried they might wander into highway traffic and die.

This is a meeting? That we all scheduled?? Well - if you think about it, it's lucky I showed up when I did!

TBH you're usually late, but you texted everyone to ask what kind of coffee they wanted and arrived a hero.

You're not late, everyone else missed the memo about changing the time even the person who sent it.

You overslept, it's not interesting or crazy - and it doesn't happen often, but hey, you're only human.

Genuinely, it would not even occur to you that this would be considered late. You ask everyone if they think they're being a little too hard on themselves about punctuality and suggest they give themselves some grace. One of your coworkers cries, he really needed to hear that.

You roll in with an iced coffee and a smile - no one even noticed you were late, the meeting doesn't start until you arrive.

You weren't physically late, but mentally. You were so anxious about getting to the meeting on time that you got to work an hour early and fell asleep in the conference room. No one wanted to wake you, this isn't the first time.