Which Goat American Novel Goat Are You?

You break out of the barn yard. What do you do first?

I walk up to the alpacas, butt them in the knees to establish dominance, and steal their grain.

I go on a Rampage! I butt all the animals! I steal their food! Who cares if they knock me down? I'll lick 'em in the end!

I go to the hay storage and eat as much as I can. Mom says I need to fatten up.

I go and talk to all the oldest horses and donkeys on the nearby farms. I want to learn about their secret ways of bossin humans around.

Is this new? I also did it yesterday and the day before. I break into the garden and take what I want. Broccoli? kale? Rhubarb? Don't mind if I do.

I go talk to the handsome billy across the road. He is all black with a white stripe down his spine.

I know everything there is to know about this farm, and all the farms beyond. I go up the road and talk to the elder goat there, we have a nice time griping about young goats these days.

I can pass directly through walls, yet I fear will never be truly free.

Which farm animal annoys you the Most?

The worst is my sisters, who don't acknowledge my greatness.

Chickens. What is up with their beedy eyes? I'm going to go butt some right now.

The pigs. Don't talk about their teeth please. Also why do they get all the donuts? I'd like to try a donut. But I donut dare. Get it? Hee hee. But seriously stay away from pigs.

The spiders have me concerned. They are now able to make things with their butts, which is creepy and rude.

The sheep. I mean, just look at them. They don't even have names.

My Mother. And my baby sisters. They get all huffy when I talk about the billy.

I'm too old to be annoyed.

Humans.

Which farm animal annoys you the Least?

It doesn't matter. One day they must all acknowledge that I am a prize winner, the greatest of all time, and they will have to pay tribute to my greatness. Observe my shininess. Observe my awesome might.

Ducks are fun, because you can have a game of butting them into their pond.

Baby chickens. My dream is to have a baby chick ride on my back.

I like the old barn cat who wanders around. She tells me things, like about how humans keep the freshest water by their bedside, and how they are all witches because they lay down in water and do not drown.

The rooster is so beautifull with his long tail feathers... He's a real short king.

Rats. I like it when they nibble on my overgrown hooves.

Alpacas are fantastic. They are smarter than sheep but so easy to manipulate.

I would accept a visit from any animal, but I wish for none to walk the cold and lonely road I have walked these hundred years.

What is your favorite food?

I used to like those giant orange gourds that grow on the ground, because I smash em open and eat the guts like they are the guts of my enemies, but lately the neighbor's children have been carving faces on them, and now the faces haunt my dreams. Don’t tell the others.

All foods. I can eat more than anybody.

I still like my Mama’s milk best

An old donkey once told me that carrots make you wise, so I eat a lot of those

Grain is the secret to my success. It put the strut in your butt. I make sure I always get more than all the other goats.

Sweet potatoes make my coat glossy.

Many, many, many years ago, I broke into something called a taco truck. Me and daughters ate thirty seven bags of something called corn chips. I keep this incident alive in the memories of all goats.

I can no longer remember what food tastes like.

The farmer brings a large family group of humans into the barnyard. What is your move?

I identify the tallest member of the party and butt them in the knees to establish my dominance. I will be taller than humans one day

I go over to the children and jump on their shoulders. They have treats and they love it when I jump onto them.

I hide behind Mama, but make myself available because they always like to give the baby treats.

I stay out of my sister’s way and observe the humans’ behaviour

The farmer is always bringing humans in here for one reason or another. They better not try to touch my teats is all I can say. Townies are brutes at milking

Oh my god is that a hot human billy? I think there might be some fainting goat in my bloodline! *swoons onto ground*

Do any of them have a scarf? What I would like is to steal a nice red wool scarf to wrap around myself on a cold night.

Humans are not to be trusted.

If you could steal one human object, what would you pick?

A blue satin cape, to parade my greatness.

One of the neighbor human kids has a cute stuffed cat he carries with him. I'd like one of those.

An Axe!

Ive heard that humans have things called books, and they're filled with secret human knowledge.

Lipstick.

Is it true that humans sleep on old duck feathers? I'd like a human duck feather bed of my own, to rest my old bones.

Can I steal their hands? Then I could pull the sheep's wool when they get out of line. Ha!

Human objects are mostly accursed.

What is your best feature?

There is no feature. Only total perfection.

I like how the farmer says my leg fur looks like little white socks.

My hard hard head, obviously!

My long ears, which can hear secret whispers.

My tail! No. My coat! No. My beautiful eyes? No- I can't chose!

My left front knee does not ache when it rains.

This is a frivolous question.

I miss all my features. All that is left of me is a whispy impression...

Who do you love the most?

Myself.

My Mom

Aw shucks. Mushy stuff. My cute little sister. Don't tell her I said that!

Grandma.

I haven't yet experienced True Love.

I love every kid, grandkid, and great grand kid in my line of descendents.

One of my kids is a runt, and, she'll never follow in my footsteps of power, but- she's just so sweet. Everything I do is for her. Don't tell the other I said this.

There is a colony of bats that have been with me for generations...

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Which Goat American Novel Goat Are You?

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