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Which NHL player best embodies your level of overall functionality?

Most watchable player outside of games (PR content etc)

PK Subban

Sidney Crosby

Connor McDavid

Matthew Tkachuk

Sebastian Aho

Joe Thornton

Dylan Larkin

Claude Giroux

Travis Konecny

Marc Andre Fleury

Jonathan Toews

Alexander Ovechkin

Auston Matthews

Elias Pettersson

Tyler Seguin

Henrik Lundqvist

Gabriel Landeskog

Jack Eichel

Choose the Craigslist Missed Connections add that vibes most with you.

YOU STEPPED ON MY PENIS: (lifetime fitness) Me, in spandex, on the floor mat lookin’ ace as hell. You on the treadmill running from me. You fell off, stumbled back and stepped on my penis. I will let you do it again if you want. Next time, just ask……..

I’M SORRY FOR GIVING YOU MONO: I can’t go to the Pathmark Plaza anymore without thinking about driving your brother to the pet store that day you were really sick. We pet the bunnies together. When you told me about the chinchilla you used to have in high school it was one of the only times I felt normal. I am mostly nauseous these days. I dream a lot about your hands.

4 YEARS AGO: I had sex with your mother. I am sorry, but I can't change that. I spent most of my life searching for that special relationship and I threw it all away for a oral/anal with a drunk, slutty whore.. No offense.. What we need to do is move on. Yes, I am still married to Katherine. Yes, I still love you. Please. Let's make this work. Let's get high and watch disney movies naked like we used to do before I went to TDC. I love you.

I’M SORRY I BIT YOUR PENIS: I swear it was an accident. Like you're so perfect. I mean, I'm really only assuming you were mad. I don't speak Portuguese. Whatever

TO THE GIRL WHO ATTEMPTED A B&E THIS MORNING: Hi, I am the guy whose house you tried breaking into this morning around 9:30 AM in Moore on Gale Street. Our conversation was short... You only said "Oh my gosh, Oh my gosh..." as you saw me staring back at you through the door blinds. Still, I feel we made a good connection, separated only by inches, the door, and the two locks you were nying to pick. I gave you 15 minutes to make your getaway. Your welcome BTW. I don't know if you were with a professional crew, but please don't to break into my house again. I'd hate to shoot your cute freckled face. However, if you're up for a legal encounter I'm game. You know the one.

EYES MET DURING A BANK ROBBERY: I know this is a long shot. I was behind you in line when the robbers came in and shouted, “hit the floor”. You, tall, lovely, ear muffs, holding some kind of automotive tool. Me, tall, yellow jacket with a fresh haircut. Our eyes met under the desk. I picked up your purse… the one with the odd spoon in it. We chatted about how dumb the republican candidates performed in the debates. I would have asked for your number but was shy… besides… the gunman told me not to move… after we lost our wallets, you smiled. I smiled back. I think we made a connection while losing our credit cards. If you see this ad… please tell me what bank it was… and what colour sneakers I had on… I hope you see this… perhaps coffee sometime?

I’LL STILL TAKE YOU EVEN WITH YOUR RAP SHEET: I saw your picture today in the mug shots on the Tribune's website. You look fantastic, especially for a girl who has just been busted for pot. I believe that every girl deserves a second chance, and I want be the guy who gives it to you. Please write back and let me know when you’re free. I'm wiling to wait 30 to 60 days if that's what it takes.

TO THE GIRL WHO TOOK A GAMBLE ON A FART AND LOST: We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that. I thought we had chemistry sitting at Applebees sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Amstel Light. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you. At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don't feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said "First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me" was meant to be funny, not offensive. I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling" I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better… like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat. What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fibre and less taxing on the digestive tract. I await your call, Tad. PS. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early… touché…

WALMART LOSS PREVENTION: A little over a month ago I was with a friend in walmart. She was stealing a few things and you were the loss prevention guy working. When we were walking out of the store you grabbed me by the arm and asked me to follow you, miscategorized prohibited best of craigslist it was almost like a scene from a romantic movie. Of course after we got to the room you knew I had nothing to do with her theft, but you still patted me down, the way you ran your hands all over me to see if I had things hidden under my clothes made me so hot. While we were waiting for the police to show up, I noticed that you were checking me out (dont worry I was checking you out too) I know we have a connection, I can feel it and I cant wait till my friend goes to court because I will be there to just see you. And hopefully we can get together so you can finish that pat down.

TO THE GUY I GAVE A SKULL TO: I just wanted to let you know I wasn't a crazy lady. Here's what happened: A guy was running for a train. I saw something go flying off the end of his cane (yes, he was running with a cane). After a few seconds of me and other waiting passengers looking around stupidly at each other, I decided to be a Good Samaritan. I picked it up and saw that it was a small, polished replica of a human skull. I looked to the old man standing next to me and said "It's a skull". He shrugged his shoulders. I didn't want it, but I have such a particular hatred of littering, that I didn't want to drop it back on the floor lest someone think I was a dirty skull litterer. I decided the proper thing to do would be to give it back to whoever dropped the thing. So, I jumped in the door of the L train and saw you with what I thought was a cane. So I said, "Here's your skull" and handed it to you. You were shocked, I thought because you didn't realize it was lost. But as I backed off the train as the doors closed I saw that it wasn't a cane you had but an umbrella. And luggage. And you clearly weren't the person who dropped the skull. I can't imagine how weird it must have been to have some woman run onto a train, shove a skull in your hand and tell you it's yours. So I'm just writing this to let you know it wasn't a voodoo ritual, an ominous mafia warning, a gang initiation, or a misguided attempt at getting to know you better. I truly thought you dropped your skull. Now what did you do with it? I'm dying to know!

Which NHL team do you love the most?

Anaheim Ducks

Arizona Coyotes

Boston Bruins

Buffalo Sabres

Calgary Flames

Carolina Hurricanes

Chicago Blackhawks

Colorado Avalanche

Columbus Blue Jackets

Dallas Stars

Detroit Red Wings

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

Los Angeles Kings

Minnesota Wild

Montreal Canadiens

Nashville Predators

New Jersey Devils

New York Islanders

New York Rangers

Ottawa Senators

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburgh Penguins

San Jose Sharks

St. Louis Blues

Tampa Bay Lightning

Toronto Maple Leafs

Vancouver Canucks

Vegas Golden Knights

Washington Capitals

Winnipeg Jets

Which NHL team do you HATE the most?

Anaheim Ducks

Arizona Coyotes

Boston Bruins

Buffalo Sabres

Calgary Flames

Carolina Hurricanes

Chicago Blackhawks

Colorado Avalanche

Columbus Blue Jackets

Dallas Stars

Detroit Red Wings

Edmonton Oilers

Florida Panthers

Los Angeles Kings

Minnesota Wild

Montreal Canadiens

Nashville Predators

New Jersey Devils

New York Islanders

New York Rangers

Ottawa Senators

Philadelphia Flyers

Pittsburgh Penguins

San Jose Sharks

St. Louis Blues

Tampa Bay Lightning

Toronto Maple Leafs

Vancouver Canucks

Vegas Golden Knights

Washington Capitals

Winnipeg Jets

What's the longest you've ever managed to keep seamonkeys alive? (Or, if you didn't have them, any other small pets: I.e. hamster, mouse, fish, etc.)

Less than 3 days

A week, tops

Up to a month

Up to a year

1 year +

I never had any small pets, but I wanted them

Never had any small pets, never wanted them

Which cup-celebrations of the last 10 years would you most want to join in on?

St. Louis Blues 2019

Washington Capitals 2018

Pittsburgh Penguins 2017

Pittsburgh Penguins 2016

Chicago Blackhawks 2015

Los Angeles Kings 2014

Chicago Blackhawks 2013

Los Angeles Kings 2012

Boston Bruins 2011

Chicago Blackhawks 2010

Have you ever lost an adult tooth for a non-health related reason?

Yes, lost one in some kind of sports mishap

Yes, moshing/dancing etc

Yes, just generall being an idiot with friends

Yes, battling my siblings

Yes, doing something stupid in general

Nope, never

Hockey duo that makes/made you feel far more emotions than is truly decent?

Ovechkin & Backstrom

Malkin & Crosby

Latta & Wilson

Jost & Compher

MacKinnon & Barrie

Subban & Price

Gallagher & Galchenyuk

Selanne & Kariya

Giroux & Briere

Patrick & Konecny

Giroux & Simmonds

Seguin & Benn

McDavid & Strome

Burns & Thornton

Chaara & Rask

Matthews & Marner

Laine & Ehlers

Aho & Teravainen

Monahan & Gaudreau

Tkachuk & Rittich

McDavid & Draisaitl

Graves & Makar

Boeser & Pettersson

Would you ever wear an article of clothing with JUICY printed on the ass?

Absolutely not.

No, but I wish I would.

Maybe, but just at home

For sure, but just to run to a friend's house.

Yeah, but I would only wear it in public to run to the store or something. If I was desperate.

Any place, any time.

I'm wearing some right now.

How do you handle hating another team/player?

Scream it from the rooftops, let my rage flow through me every game. I'm more invested in them losing than us winning.

I try to be polite about it.

Well, hate is a strong term? They're not my favourite, but to each their own.

I pretend they don't exist. Block all mentions of them, never include them in lists etc. Dead to me.

I don't hate anyone!

On a scale of 1-5, rate your beer pong skills.

0 - Nonexistent

1 - I mean...I definitely won't win

2 - I won once

3 - Average

4 - I win more than I lose

5 - I'm a fucking beer pong master

100 - you know that video where the guy throws the ping pong ball, flips, bounces off a mattress, hits the ball mid-air, and it lands in the cup? Yeah, that's me.

Most upsetting trade/signing of the last decade?

Daniel Briere to Montreal

PK Subban to Nashville

Patrick Marleau to San Jose

Wayne Simmonds to Nashville

Jeff Skinner to Buffalo

Matt Martin to New York

Tyson Barrie to Toronto

Andre Burakovsky to Colorado

Marc Andre Fleury to Vegas

Mats Zuccarello to Minnesota

Erik Karlsson to San Jose

Taylor Hall to New Jersey

Artemi Panarin to Columbus

Jordie Benn to the Canucks

How good are you at cooking?

I can maybe make toast, but it will be burned.

A sandwich is cooking, right?

I can make one or two things pretty good, but at least one of them is pasta.

Honestly? Pretty solid. I'm no expert but my food is more than edible.

I fancy myself a bit of an amateur chef.

Putting together Ikea furniture, how do you fare?

I don't. I bribe someone else to do it or I go without. I've learned my lesson.

I invite a friend over to 'help' me, they end up doing 90% of the work and I STILL somehow manage to fuck up the other 10%

Oh boy... It's a crapshoot. There's about a 50/50 chance I'm going to screw it up and I'm being generous to myself.

I do alright, it's not too hard but sometimes I miss a step or misunderstand something. Still comes out mostly usable.

I'm great at it! I rarely, if ever, screw it up. Easy Peasy.

Ikea furniture is for weaklings. I'll build what I need myself, thanks.

Ikea furniture is for broke bitches.

Which super normal quote from a super serious Hockey Man™ do you most identify with?

They have become things of legend. Whispered about in NHL dressing rooms. Admired by trainers and teammates and strength coaches the hockey world over. Even the subject of lengthy, hilarious analysis on The Players’ Tribune during last year’s playoffs. “They” are Vladimir Tarasenko’s muscles. His quads. Forearms. Chest.

PURE GUTS! They got nothing but guts! Every guy with three big old cow hearts, two pancreases, and five stomachs. Guts all over the place!

Not his knee, maybe his 'wee knee'? [followed by barely restrained laughter]

They've had tremendous sex- er- success

Reaching back with the big fat shaft of the twig

Like poop through a diarrhea infected goose

Crosby just whacked off with his left hand

Double Bennetration

He's standing in front of the net with about 8 inches of his shaft in his hand

Spezza pulls Johnson out and slides it in the open hole

Enormous dick save

Jamie Benn walks in, pulls its pants down, and spanks this thing

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