Are you a Chirpodist?

A man the size of Ainsley Harriott sticks his bestockinged tootsies in your phace. What do you do?

Send him to Deventry with a volcano glued to his head

Winch up the raisins from his forehead

Apologise for not having moved your phace

Ask him what the problem is and if it’s a deaf goat called Davina, stab him

Living in Chiswick, it's not surprising that your leek collection has dwindled over the past 4 milli-years. How do you cope?

You don't, you just watch back to back re-runs of 'Blockbusters' until your eyes bleed

You go to the Hungary

You develop a fetish for small kerosene lamps

You fancy a shower, you weirdo.

Under what circumstances would you inspects your next doors neighbours’ horses for hoofs diseases?

When Esther Rantzen says it's ok – it’s ok

The third bran flake of every mouthful of bran flakes

In the dark on a pogo stick intra-venially

Your elevation device has fell off on a ant

We are living in a chiropodists world, and I am a…

Shoe horns

Burlesque Underpants

Pat’s beef broth

Invisible Bishop

My shoe is too tight. What action do I take to correct the situation?

Shrink

Add one part gremlins to 4 parts North Sea gas and become spectacular

Wave at a pope from a distance of not more than 1 nanometre

Cut your foot off with a serving spoon

It's all feet feet feet with you isn't it?

No, No

No, n-No, No

No, No, there’s no limit

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