Which host of Hottest 100s and 1000s are you?

You have been sentenced by a cruel but playful judge to a punishment of eating 400 oranges, one after another, while listening to the same song over and over. You get to pick the song, and you have chosen

"Peaches” by The Presidents Of The United States Of America. Just to give me something else to think about.

Longplayer

I think this judge is trying to ruin a song for me, so I stand up, hold the judge’s gaze and smugly whisper “John Cage’s 4’33.” The jurors pass out from being so impressed and the bailiff gives me a high five.

Bleed by Meshuggah. This basically means a reduced sentence. Tell the guards to stand back and not wear white.

The staff at your food court franchise outlet have been underperforming due to a lack of motivation. You decide to

Play them some of my personal favourite aspirational hip hop verses.

Kidnap the franchise owner and give the outlet to the staff. That monster doesn’t own you anymore! Do with this outlet what you would do with your lives!

Give a rousing, expletive-laden speech where we all end up taking our shirts off and robbing the place.

Meekly eat at the closest food outlet with comparable food.

Your fellow podcastees have been down on your taste recently. One snide comment too many, and without even thinking about it, you

Give everyone in the room Stone Cold Stunners.

Carefully and meticulously edit them all to say just the most UNREASONABLY PRAISING things about me. Never release it. Play it to myself nightly before bed.

Murk them in a coup

Cry

It’s time for your long-dreaded dentist’s appointment to have all your molars extracted, without anaesthetic. Your state of mind when you arrive is

Galaxy brain’d calmness

Thinking of the words of Seneca, who wrote “pain has this most excellent quality- if prolonged it cannot be severe, if severe it cannot be prolonged”

ALL my molars?? Without anaesthetic? Who the hell is this dentist? I think I’ll keep my molars, if it’s all the same to Dr Awful

I will absolutely fang my damn chompers on this cunt if he fucks up

Your greatest musical disappointment is

That last Arctic Monkeys record.

Not watching The White Stripes at Big Day Out in 2005 because I was exhausted from Iggy Pop (and at the time I didn’t think much of them). I did have a sit and a lemonade though, and I think there’s every chance it was just as good.

Damien Cowell’s post-ROOT! career

It would probably be if Arcade Fire released an album after Reflektor that was really really bad, but that never happened, so, Everything(’s ok for) Now.

You've been elected Governor of a small provincial town. You're really excited to make some necessary changes to the town's political and social structure, but in order to take office you must agree to be under 24-hour video surveillance for your entire terms. Do you:

I do, and in the first 24 hours I go to the toilet a lot so they’re put off from watching me institute communist rule

Bite the bullet. The wellbeing of the town and its people are more important than my comfort or privacy. However, as my last act in office I make sure this Faustian bargain is never allowed to happen again.

Make a lifesize dummy and leave it in front of the camera.

I do. And I start every morning looking straight down the barrel and saying “what’s up Youtube”

You have died, and your immortal spirit has risen to the city of heaven,

And the foundations of the walls of the city are garnished with all manner of precious stones

And the building of the wall of it is of jasper: and the city is pure gold, like unto clear glass

And at the gate stands guard a saint, and his countenance is joyful, and he looks at you and asks

'Tell me, by your own conscience, have you lived a worthy life? Should I allow you in?'

How do you respond?

Very carefully.

Friend, I don’t know if it counts, but I tried. I really tried. Regrets? Of course I have a few. At times I was cruel and ignorant, but I tried, and I hope that when all’s said and done there’s more positive than negative.

If you don’t let me in, I will chokeslam you back to earth and fuck you in front of your wife.

“I didn’t ask to be born. None of us did. We were thrust against our will into a universe with no discernable point or purpose, whose logic, often, was barely distinguished from chaos, which gazed back at us as the very incarnation of indifference.

And having tumbled in this maelstrom, and died, we now find there is a paradise, something to make sense of it all. But now you ask us to be accountable by our actions to gain entry? Did not we, all of us, live in the best manner we could by the virtue of our very existence? Given we had no hand in the assemblage of our atoms nor the fates that guided them? Are we now to find that the will behind the universe is indeed not indifferent after all, but worse- judgemental, prejudiced and cruel to the powerless things it’s made?

How dare you. Salvation must be universal or else oblivion is a far fairer fate.”

The guards threaten to torture you you if you don't confess to the charges and agree to testify against your friend. Do you

Snitching is not the way of an OG.

Take the torture, but make a real thing about it and talk of how the friend probably wouldn’t do the same for me. Real martyr hours.

I ain’t steppin’ out of shit, all my paper’s legit.

Make up outlandish confessions – like they were behind the Robert Kennedy murder, which has alrady been shown to have been committed by Sirhan Sirhan

You popped out for a quiet walk to clear your head when you accidentally saved 70 peoples' lives, including the President of Brazil and one of the Rolling Stones. The Mayor wants to award you special honours in a public ceremony. Do you:

No. But when the time is right, I’m calling in that favour, Keith / senor Bolsonaro.

Publicly decry the Brazilian dude for being a homophobic fascist dude – and then go on the run for my life obvs

Insist that the Rolling Stones donate all their wealth and belongings to Brazil’s poorest, and not make any more music.

Let one of the Rolling Stones die so I can save 69 lives instead. Nice.

Your purpose on this earth is to:

Fuck shit up.

Complete this podcast with as many TISM references as possible.

Listen to TISM and make fantastic content – and I’ve done plenty of both.

Ideally: foster a greater sense of connection, kindness and community with everyone I come across

Realistically: make people listen to airhorn sounds a little more than they would have

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