Which London Club Are You?

What’s your profession?

Art student

Gourmet restaurant reviewer

Banker

I’m not unemployed, I’m just waiting for things to die down in the job market

What’s your main mode of transport?

Unicycle

A Maserati. Obviously.

I have my own hovercraft. Diesel-fueled

None. I don’t have anywhere to go, ever

Where do you live?

That flat in Kensington that used to belong to Margaret Thatcher

I split my time between Manchester and London. My partner supports United so we go up there a lot, even though we’re both from London because no United fans are actually from Manchester

My parents’ couch in Deptford. I’ve been there for about six years since I graduated, but that’s only temporary.

One-bedroom studio flat in Peckham. Hardwood floors. Everything’s secondhand

What’s your favourite band?

Something obscure you’ve probably never heard of, sorry.

That Ed Sheeran fellow

Mogwai

Blur. Or is it Oasis? Don’t know, can’t tell the difference between the two

Where do you normally watch the footie?

I stream all the games on my Macbook Air. 15”.

I go all the matches because I’ve been a season ticket holder for the last 12 years even though I only really started following my team religiously after they started being successful all of a sudden

On Sky. Or BT

I try to stand on the dustbins outside whichever stadium we’re playing at because when I stretch on my tiptoes I can almost see the goal mouth and the green of the pitch.

How do you normally solve arguments?

I don’t ever get into arguments, I’m a pacifist

I bribe them with money

I start crying

I punch them in the face, and then again in the jaw for good measure

What drink do you get at the pub?

Appletini please

Cosmopolitan

Long Island Iced Tea

I just drink whatever’s left in whichever pint glass I find lying around

What do you think of Beyoncé?

Yas queen

Who?

Overrated. She was better being a part of Destiny’s Child

Is she the one who sang “to the left, to the left”?

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