I’m not unemployed, I’m just waiting for things to die down in the job market
What’s your main mode of transport?
Unicycle
A Maserati. Obviously.
I have my own hovercraft. Diesel-fueled
None. I don’t have anywhere to go, ever
Where do you live?
That flat in Kensington that used to belong to Margaret Thatcher
I split my time between Manchester and London. My partner supports United so we go up there a lot, even though we’re both from London because no United fans are actually from Manchester
My parents’ couch in Deptford. I’ve been there for about six years since I graduated, but that’s only temporary.
One-bedroom studio flat in Peckham. Hardwood floors. Everything’s secondhand
What’s your favourite TV show?
Tattoo Fixers
Loose Women
Bake-Off
I don’t have a telly
What’s your favourite band?
Something obscure you’ve probably never heard of, sorry.
That Ed Sheeran fellow
Mogwai
Blur. Or is it Oasis? Don’t know, can’t tell the difference between the two
Where do you normally watch the footie?
I stream all the games on my Macbook Air. 15”.
I go all the matches because I’ve been a season ticket holder for the last 12 years even though I only really started following my team religiously after they started being successful all of a sudden
On Sky. Or BT
I try to stand on the dustbins outside whichever stadium we’re playing at because when I stretch on my tiptoes I can almost see the goal mouth and the green of the pitch.
How do you normally solve arguments?
I don’t ever get into arguments, I’m a pacifist
I bribe them with money
I start crying
I punch them in the face, and then again in the jaw for good measure
What drink do you get at the pub?
Appletini please
Cosmopolitan
Long Island Iced Tea
I just drink whatever’s left in whichever pint glass I find lying around
What do you think of Beyoncé?
Yas queen
Who?
Overrated. She was better being a part of Destiny’s Child
Is she the one who sang “to the left, to the left”?
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