Which is the Kotek Company product you absolutely need? Take the quiz and find out!
Discover Your Kotek Company Essential
Are you curious about what Kotek Company product is a must-have for you? Take this fun and provocative quiz to find out!
Explore your values, desires, and humor with 15 engaging questions designed to reveal your ultimate Kotekian essential. Get ready to dive into a world of unexpected fun!
What do you value most in life?
Money
Knowledge
Success
Pleasure
Wanna have sex?
Yes, please!
Oh please, please, please, please, please!
No thanks, I'm waiting for someone I love.
I have a boyfriend, you perv!
Do you enjoy getting your toes stepped on every now and then?
No, not really.
Yes! Please do it again!
Do you mean my paws? Well, yes, of course I enjoy getting my paws stepped on from time to time.
You can try to step on me, but I'll put my fist right in your ass first!
Name some items you love but are morally ambiguous.
A nun's red panties, and an old man's beard.
A superhero's cape and a Nazi's swastika armband.
A pirate's parrot, and a terrorist's suicide vest.
A priest's cassock, and a prostitute's high heel shoes.
What do you love most about the Kotekian Empire?
The kotekian way of life, and the high standard of living.
The fact that it is a matriarchy, with women in charge.
The freedom that kotekoids are given to fuck relentlessly and engage in all sorts of prurient activities.
That it is in fact a religious cult.
What is your sex drive?
I have to have it twice a week.
Sex is my favorite thing to do. I have a raging libido.
I practice celibacy and prefer to sublimate my energies into community projects.
I practice mutual masturbation with my Kotek Company friends once a week.
Are you afraid of commitment?
You've hit the nail on the head! A kotekian never settles down until he or she is dead!
Absolutely not! I am an absolute commitment-aholic!
I'm afraid of commitment, and of being alone... Soo, are you saying you want to have a committed relationship with me?
I'm too busy getting a PhD in comparative kotekian spirituality to start a family, if that's what you're getting at.
How would you describe your relationship with your mother?
I only see her once a year on the anniversary of her death.
We have an OK relationship! I call her from time to time to check up.
I hate her. She is a cold, heartless bitch.
I love her! She is my mother, and I am grateful to her every day of my life!
How would you define "kotekian perfection"?
A Kotekian is someone who is beautiful and sexy, has a high IQ, menstruates at will, and has a good sense of humor.
The ability to fuck a man and a woman simultaneously, while reciting "The Three Pillars of Kotekian Wisdom" and without any bodily discharges whatsoever.
The ability to have 8 orgasms in a row with no involuntary muscle spasms or loss of consciousness.
All of the above.
What is your darkest, deepest secret?
I'm not really a kotekian! I'm actually a double agent trying to expose the kotekian way of life as a bunch of crass, prurient hedonists!
I had an affair with The Holy Kotek! Can you believe it? I'm a terrible, terrible slut!
I'm a closeted Christmas-phile. I sometimes dress up as Santa, and I've been caught jerking off to several "Elf" movies.
I'm a member of the Communist Party, and a secret sympathizer of the Nazi Party. I had a brief love affair with Hitler, and I seduced young Otto von Bismarck.
What was your first sexual experience?
I was gang-banged by five kotekian warriors while three kotekian nuns performed a lesbian orgy in the background.
My step-sister dressed me up in a tutu and told me that if I blew her boyfriend, I could have sex with her. Well, she lied.
I tried to have sex with an ice cube machine once, but didn't work out. I'm still a virgin.
A kotekian missionary tried to teach me the ways of the lord.
What will your last words most possibly be?
"Please, oh merciful kotekian goddess, please let my last conscious moments be a pleasant, blissful experience. Amen."
"I... I don't feel well. Please give me some vodka, the vibrating butt plug, and maybe a shot of heroin.."
"I'm sorry, but I'm afraid I can't get it up for you another time. Goodbye, cruel world."
"Just let me bleed to death!"
Which of these would you rather never have in your life and why?
A penis, because you can't take any more of that ugly, disgusting junk that controls your mind, and you're afraid that somehow it might infect you with a fatal case of prostate cancer.
Children, because you know you'll end up with a couple of latch-key screaming brats that will ruin your life- after having ruined your vagina first.
A girlfriend, because you're afraid that one day you'll wake up next to her and realize that you're not in love with her anymore.
A job, because you don't want to spend the rest of your life working like a dog for pennies an hour, only to come home to an empty apartment and a pile of dirty dishes in the microwave.
What is the single most important question a person should ask themselves before going to sleep every night?
"How many orgasms did you experience today?"
"Have you been a good kotekian? Did you enjoy life in the fullest?"
"Do you reeeally need another drink?"
"Which is the best operating system?"
How would you describe the questions in this quiz?
They are fun, thought-provoking, and entertaining.
They contain all the usual stereotypes, cliches, and misconceptions of being a kotekoid.
They are a wretched, feeble attempt at humor, totally lacking in any wit or originality.
They are rude, offensive, and extremely distasteful.
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